Project: Color me Beautiful – Take Care
August of 2011 shuck me to the core…I will never forget that time in my life because it was the first time I was hospitalized for an extended period of time. Diagnosis: Over exhaustion…mental breakdown.
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While at the hospital, I could recall looking at myself in the mirror and not liking nor recognizing the image that was staring back at me. I was looking at a living corpse and sadly I do not understand how I could allow myself to get to that point. How could I have let myself go so much that I could lose twelve pounds in just one week and allow the stress of it all to dry out my breast milk…. “for goodness sake I was now someone’s mother.” As I stood in the mirror, wearing me was an old green staff t-shirt from my wonderful days working as a Resident Assistant at the University of Rhode Island and on my bottom were grey Victoria’s Secret leggings. To my recollection, the leggings were baggy but snug enough that I could see that in between my legs was the biggest thigh gap known to man. I was weighing in at 101 pounds while standing at 5 feet and 2.5 inches. I remember being told that my discharge was partially contingent on my gaining back the weight that I had lost (no pressure, right?) Again, how did I get to this point?
So what could make a 24 year old experience their first ever mental breakdown do you ask? If I am being honest with myself, I think it was experiencing so many firsts and changes, some of which dramatic, all at the same time. In 2011 alone, I gave birth to my first child, went through a bit of postpartum depression, landed my first real full time job, graduated from graduate school with a master’s degree, lived through a house fire, a minor earthquake and being homeless for one month. I was also feeling many firsts; I felt like I was in a fairly new relationship romantically to be having to do forever with that person as a co-parent when we had yet to master the art of how to fight fairly or to love each other right. I did not know how to handle all those changes and what others would call major milestones and tragedies in my life all at once. I don’t think in a lifetime that anyone should have to remember having to dangle their then four month old out of a third floor window just to have the firemen send up a ladder to save his or her family and friends from a raging fire just three weeks after graduating from a master’s program. To go from extreme happiness and feelings of great accomplishment to being in shock with so many unknowns lingering over your head weeks later was tough. Although I was grateful to be alive, I just could not stop thinking of how close my newborn, my man, 2 close friends, and I came to the end.
The month after the fire was rather stressful; I was living out of a hotel with my nuclear family and commuting over an hour and a half to my fairly new job. I was doing my best to keep things together and as normal as possible but slowly I was unraveling and it was all at the risk of my own health. I was so busy trying to care for others that I stopped caring for myself. I had forgotten how to eat properly, to exercise and to sleep when needed. I can just hear Mariah Carey’s song lyrics about needing to get some sleep. “…ohhh I got to get me some sleep…” in my head. I went nearly seven days without sleep before I ended up in the hospital. It is amazing to see first-hand how the lack of sleep can affect your life and health. I was hearing voices because of it, I was paranoid, and I could no longer take care of myself, my hygiene, or my infant daughter. I was going crazy literally. I had to be medically induced to sleep to begin my recovery.
It was in my recovery process; while I was art therapy to be specific, did the concept for Project Color Beautiful come alive. While coloring and putting together a beautiful collage, I could remember thinking if only I could also color my insides beautifully how much better the world and my life would be. I wanted to go through a triumphant recovery and I knew I could not do it if I did not look at this as a glass half full rather than a glass half empty experience. I wanted to find real true purpose in life again; I wanted to gain back the weight; I wanted to recommit my life to taking care of myself…”If I didn’t work, nothing else could.” I believe Dr. Maya Angelou once uttered those same words. Once I understood that I knew that I could help others to reach a similar understanding through their own stories. Once I was able to relearn how to take care of myself, I was then able to color myself and my life more beautifully.
